When I Was 15 Years Old, I

My Goal Is To Live To Be 100.

I'm So Excited I Had A Seven-car Police Motorcycle Escort. I've Had Escorts Before, But Nothing Like This... I'm Really In Awe, Coming Here And Seeing So Many Cars, So Much Enthusiasm.

The Gym Teacher's Name Was Mr. Caruso. Mr. Caruso Did Not Speak English. He Spoke 'gym.' One Day I Was Playing Basketball And Mr. Caruso Told Me I Would Have To Get An Athletic Supporter. He Didn't Express Himself Exactly That Way, Though. He Said, 'hey, You, One Day You're Gonna Go Up For A Rebound And The Family Jewels Aren't Gonna Go With Ya.' I Had No Idea What He Was Talking About. Next Day I Showed Up For Practice Without My Watch And My Mezuzah. He Said, 'did Ya Take Care Of The Family Jewels?' I Said, 'i Left 'em In My Locker.' Took Us A Half Hour To Revive Mr. Caruso.

Grownups Have To Say 'please,' Too.

One Time I Was Doing A Speech To A Group Of Kids, And Just Before I Get There, I See This Little Kid Crying. I Found Out They Just Lost A Game, And He Was The Losing Pitcher. I Went Over There, Put My Arm Around Him, And Said, 'what Are You Crying For? When Major League Players Lose, They Don't Cry.'