You Can't Land On The Moon And

Danger Could Be My Middle Name... But It's John.

Cos People Think I'm On Drugs And I'm Not. I'm Really Quite... Just A Bit Of Coffee. When I Take Drugs I Start Going, Oh, Would You Like Insurance?

It's A Historical Thing, Up To The 19th Century The English Hated The French. Then In The 20th Century The English Started To Hate The Germans - As We Began To Move Alphabetically Through The Map Of The World. Now, The Year 2000, We Are Fine With The Germans... But The Hungarians Are Pissing Us Off.

In Stand-up It Really Helps To Play Yourself And Talk About Your Own Feelings. You Cannot Fail To Be Original If You're Just Talking About What You Think About X, Y And Z. Unless You've Got A Twin Brother Who's Also A Stand-up.

Scrabble Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia.