You Could Smell My Ass From Mars.

I'm Really Happy That I've Been Able To Make People Laugh And Distract Them From Their Day To Day Bullshit At A Comedy Show Or Because They Enjoyed One Of My Cds Or Tv Specials, But I Don't Know How Many People Have Actually Had Life Changing Thoughts Because Of It.

I Have This Thing Built Into My Contract That The Club Has To Put Up A Sign That Says My Act "contains The Strongest Language And Material Content Imaginable," But, Believe It Or Not, I Still Get Complaints. People Want You To Be What They Want You To Be. If They See You On Tv And That's What They Like, They Want You To Be Exactly Like That When They See You Live. And If You're Not, Some Of Them Get Upset.

The Time You Spend Hating On Someone Robs You Of Your Own Time. You Are Literally Hating On Yourself And You Don't Even Realize It.

The Only Time I Commit To Conspiracy Theories Is When Something Way Retarded Happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald Acting Alone.

I Really Never Thought People Would Think That I Was Funny, I Thought (my Friends) Thought I Was Funny Because I Was Their Friend, But Other People Would Just Think I Was An Asshole. I Was At Least Partly Right.