You Shouldn't Be Eating Anything That Takes

That's The Thing I Love About Sports: Sports Force You To Quit. You Can't Pursue Your Dream Till You're 46. When It Comes To Acting, Writing, Comedy, Nobody Ever Stops You.

I Have Feelings That Are To The Right, And I Have Feelings That Land On The Left Side Of The Aisle. The Thing Is If You Have 10 Views That Land You On The Left Side Of The Aisle And Two Views That Land You On The Right Side Of The Aisle, Then People Just Put You On The Right Side Of The Aisle. I'm Not Sure Why.

I Don't Have Anything Against My Mom, But My Family Has No Emotional Connection To Each Other.

Having Sex Without A Condom Is Like Riding A Roller Coaster With Diarrhea. You Can't Just Throw Your Hands Up And Enjoy It.

The Reason Why You Know More Funny Dudes Than Funny Chicks Is That Dudes Are Funnier Than Chicks. If My Daughter Has A Mediocre Sense Of Humor, I'm Just Gonna Tell Her, "be A Staff Writer For A Sitcom. Because They'll Have To Hire You, They Can't Really Fire You, And You Don't Have To Produce That Much. It'll Be Awesome."