Anything You Can Suck At Should Make

America Is The Only Place Where People Go Hunting On A Full Stomach.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

The Thing I Try To Get Across To The Writers - And I Do A Lot Of Writing, Too - Is That When I Do Stand-up, Nothing I Talk About Is Funny. Everything Is Really Sad And Tragic And Then I Make It Funny.

People Basically Aren't That Racist. They Want Their Laughs. If I Make A White Guy Laugh, He's Gonna Come See Me. He's Not Gonna Go See The White Guy Who Doesn't Make Him Laugh Just Because That Guy Is White.

I Say Everything's About Company. A Gourmet Meal With An Asshole Is A Horrible Meal. A Hot Dog With An Interesting Person Is An Amazing Meal.