Charlie Sheen Is To Stand-up What Larry

Sometimes During My Set I Invite Volunteers Up On Stage To Get Speed-roasted And I'm Worried That I May Have Hundreds Of People Rushing The Stage All At Once. Luckily I'm A Black Belt In Karate And I Can Fend Them Off.

Do You Want Me To Apologize After Every Joke? If It Doesn't Offend Somebody It's Probably Not A Joke. It's Probably An Observation That's Not Funny. It's Gotta Offend Somebody Somewhere.

Life Is Tough, And If We Don't Laugh, We're Going To - Our Head Will Explode.

When I See A Good Singer, I Get Teary-eyed. Part Of It Is Jealousy Because All Comedians Are Frustrated Rock Stars. That's A Fact.

In Boston Where Community Policing Is So Important, They Don't Necessarily Have To Like Each Other, But They Know Each Other. The Cops In Boston Make It Their Business To Get Out Of Their Vehicles, To Engage The Public, To Walk Around The Neighborhoods. They Live In The Community That They Police. And I Think These Things Help.