Come On, Man, I Got A Full

She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.