Dave! Relax! Close Your Buttcheeks!

I Don't Want Anything Bad To Happen To The United States, But If North Korea Ever Drops A Nuclear Bomb On This Country, I Swear To God, I Hope It Lands In Hartford.

America, I Appreciate You Liking Me.

There's Something About Doing Stand-up That's Cathartic.

Somebody Broke Into My House Once, This Is A Good Time To Call The Police, But Mm Mm, Nope. The House Was Too Nice. It Was A Real Nice House, But They'd Never Believe I Lived In It. They'd Be Like 'he's Still Here!

Most Of The People Around Me Have A Vested Interest In How Much Money I Make. You Know, So A Celebrity Could Find Themselves In A Position Where People Could Have Meetings About Their Life Without Them Involved. And When I Say "their Life" I Mean Not Their Professional Life Either. They Could Talk About Their Personal Life.