Every Man's Dream Is To Be Able

When I Would Be Myself, I Was Being Big-headed. I Was Being Egotistical. I Was A Megalomaniac, When It Really Was Just Having Not To Be A Monkey For A Few Hours A Day. And Fulfilling The Need To Be A Man.

I Never Tell An Audience What They Can Expect. I Never Have And I Never Will. I'm An Entertainer For 75 Years.

The Young Man Who's Had The Guggenheim Fortune Behind Him All His Life - He Can Hire All The Authorities On The Subject To Teach Him How To Do A Monologue, But He's Never Going To Have The Right Stuff To Pull It Off. If He Doesn't Walk Out Onstage Needing To Walk Out There, He Doesn't Have A Dream Of Doing Well.

You Might As Well Like Yourself; Just Think About All The Time You're Gonna Have To Spend With You.

It'll Keep You Alive For Another 10 Years If You Get Yourself A Laugh Once A Day: Either Provoke It, Or Look Around In The Wildest Laboratory In The World, The Public.