I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.