I Can't Run A Company... I Can't

Of Course, I Peed My Pants, Everyone My Age Pees Their Pants. It's The Coolest.

One Night I Couldn't Sleep. It Was Like 2:00 In The Morning. I Was Thinking, 'what Can I Do?' I'm Watching Tv. I'm Like, 'let Me Do Something Else.' I'm Not Going To Fall Asleep For A Few Hours. What Are My Hobbies? There Was The Masturbation Option. I Skipped That Because Just Knowing My Kids Are Down The Hall I Felt Psychotic. So, I Went With Watching More Tv. I Couldn't Come Up With Anything. I Was Going, 'god, Read A Book.' Then I Was Like This, 'where Do I Keep The Books?' I've Got Nothing To Do But Watch Tv.

Back To School, To Prove To Dad That I'm Not A Fool.

How Do I Speak Spanish? Not Too Well.

You Know, When You Don't Go On Tv And Talk About How Many Women You Sleep With, Some People In Hollywood, That Are Supposedly 'in The Know,' Start Whispering That You're Gay. If I Were Gay, I Wouldn't Be Ashamed To Admit It, But I'm Not.