I Can't Tan Naturally.

I Have A Fear Of Poverty In Old Age. I Have This Vision Of Myself Living In A Skip And Eating Cat Food. It's Because I'm Freelance, And I've Never Had A Proper Job. I Don't Have A Pension, And My Savings Are Dwindling. I Always Thought Someone Would Just Come Along And Look After Me.

Women Are More Emotional, And It's Natural To Talk About It.

I Can't Watch Other People Doing Comedy. As Soon As Somebody Starts Being Funny I Have To Turn Off Because It Upsets Me. I Get Comedy Indigestion. I Just Hate Anybody Else Being Funny. That's My Job.

The Only Way To Go On Holiday Is With Your Expectations At Ground Level. Convince Yourself Before You Go That The Weather's Going To Be Dreadful And There Will Be Nylon Sheets. You'll Then Be Pleasantly Surprised.

A Good Fart Joke Makes Me Bawl With Laughter, So Will Somebody Farting. And The Word 'poo.' You Can't Beat A Good Poo Joke.