I Don't Mind A Crowd's Not Laughing;

I'm A Joke Comic. I Tell Jokes. I Like Writing A Joke, And I Like When A Joke Works, And I Like Other Comics Who Tell Jokes.

Sometimes It's Hard To Tell If A Joke Is Working Or Not For The First Couple Of Minutes.

I Masturbate! I Do It Like I Think If I Keep Doing It, I'm Gonna Win Something.

I'm Sorry, Was That Homophobic? No--i Think It Was, 'cause I Hear That A Lot. Dave, What?, You're Talking About Being Gay. You Probably Secretly Are Gay. And I'm Like Listen Voice In My Head, I'm Not! How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? I Know I Wouldn't Like It, Other Scarier Voice In My Head! 'cause One Time While Making A Sandwich, A Cucumber Went Up My Ass. Three Times.

When I First Saw A Strap On, I Put It On My Head And Ran Around Like A Rhino.