I Don't Mind A Crowd's Not Laughing;

I Hang Out With My Dad Mostly, My Dad Was In The Military. He's At That Age Now Where His War Stories And Other Stories Have Blended Together, So Now You Don't Know What He's Talking About. One Time, We Were Surrounded, Then We Ran Out Of Ammo, Then We Were Fighting Hand-to-hand, Then We Started Dancing, And That's How I Met Your Mother.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

Capital Punishment, That Thing Scares Me, It Really Does. I Was Talking To My Friend About The Electric Chair, And He Starts Freakin' Out. He's Like 'the Electric Chair? That's Too Good For These People. That's Too Good For Them'. Alright, How Do We Make The Electric Chair Worse? How About This? They Have To Pedal A Car Battery To Their Own Head. Is That Ok? Is That Enough, Mr. Hitler?

I'm A Stand-up Comic. Anything Else I Do Besides That Is A Plus, But Stand-up Comedy Is What I Do, It's What I've Been Doing And It's What I'm Going To Keep Doing.

I Wanna Get A Little Drunk, But I Also Want Some Pancakes.