I Don't Want People To Think I

When Our Bed Is Made, It's Covered In 40 Pillows-like We're Stockpiling Ammo For The Global Pillow Fight.

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

My Wife Always Asks Me Why I Don't Make The Bed. And I Respond With The Same Reason Why I Don't Tie My Shoes After I Take Them Off.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."