I Drink Therefore I Am.

I Exercise Strong Self Control. I Never Drink Anything Stronger Than Gin Before Breakfast.

The Laziest Man I Ever Met Put Popcorn In His Pancakes So They Would Turn Over By Themselves.

The Two-headed Boy In The Circus Never Had Such A Headache.

I Personally Stay Away From Natural Foods. At My Age I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

I Think Of The Church Often. Not Because Religion Was Closing In On Me, But Because For A Long Time My Ass Was Sore From That Hard, Unupholstered Pew.