I Got An Ant Farm; Them Fellas

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'

I Spilled Some Vodka On The Carpet, And I Vacuumed It Up, And The Vacuum Got Drunk. I Had To Take The Hoover To Detox.

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

People Who Smoke Cigarettes, They Say "you Don't Know How Hard It Is To Quit Smoking." Yes I Do. It's As Hard As It Is To Start Flossing.

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"