I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.

For A Long Time The People At My Shows Were Sort Of The Pantera-tattoo Trucker Guys, Really Cool Dudes, But I Don't Know What Happened To Them. That's The Crowd That I Like, The Ones That Don't Get So Offended Just To Be Offended.

Once You Get Offstage You're Just Like Everyone Else, And Everyone Else Can Get Into A Fight.

I Wanna Get A Little Drunk, But I Also Want Some Pancakes.

Everything You Do, Burns Calories. Getting Up In The Morning, 100 Calories; Kicking The Hooker Out Of Your Bed, Another 100; Diapering Your Monkey, 35 Calories; Laughing At A Midget, Fun And 10 Calories; Catching Your Girlfriend With Another Guy, 2000-3000 Calories, Depending On Backswings.