I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.

In A Late-night Monologue, It's Not Just About Being Funny; You Have To Come Off As Knowledgeable. You Have To Cultivate A Persona Of Trust And Intelligence And Likeability.

Stereotypes Wouldn't Be So Bad If Black People Were Nicer, In General.

My Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Be A Better Person... So I Can Get A Better Girlfriend.

I Prefer To Sleep With Deaf Girls. Those Crazy Chicks Never Have A Safe Word.

I Could See Myself Adopting A Kid Someday. But, Obviously, I'd Prefer It To Be Aborted.