I Need To Give Affection And Love,

The Way Prices Are Rising, The Good Old Days Are Last Week.

My Wife Is A Sex Object - Every Time I Ask For Sex, She Objects.

A Square Egg In A Dish Of Lentils Won't Make A Marrow Bend With The Wind, Nor Will It Make Rhubarb Grow Up The Milkmaid's Leg.

I Toyed With The Idea Of Playing Ravel's 'pavane Pour Une Infante Defunte' But I Couldn't Remember If It's A Tune Or Latin Prescription For Piles.

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'