I Tell Very Mean Jokes.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.

My Mom, For Most Of Her Life, Was A Holocaust Denier. And It Was Terrible For The Entire Family To Have To Deal With Until, Finally, A Couple Years Ago, We Had An Intervention. And We Had A Rabbi Come Into The Home, Had Him Walk Her Through The History Of The Jewish People, And Then He Made Her Watch "schindler's List." And After That, My Mom Did A Complete 180. Now She Can't Believe It Only Happened Once.

When I Die, I Want To Be Cremated With Everybody.

The First Time I Had Sex, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. It Was A Relief When The Whole Thing Was Over After Just 45 Minutes.

My Dad Was Amazing. He Raised Five Boys. All By Himself. Without The Rest Of Us Knowing.