When I Die, I Want To Be

I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.

An Offended Audience Member Repeating A Comedian's Act From Memory Is Worse Than, Literally, Anything.

You Can't Expect Everyone To Laugh Or Applaud You For Doing Edgy Things. Sometimes You'll Miss. But I Think Comedians Are Artists And There's A Value In Failure. It Kind Of Works Both Ways Between Comedians And Audiences. The Audience Has To Understand That Comedians Are Going To Sometimes Tell A Joke That Doesn't Work Out With Dark Subjects, And The Comedian Has To Understand That Sometimes They 'll Fail And It's Not The Audience's Fault For Not Getting It Or Loving It.

I Would Love To Dj The Royal Wedding. Just So I Could Play Candle In The Wind Non-stop.

My Neighbor Complains Every Time My Girlfriend And I Have Sex. We're Not Even That Loud. But He Used To Date My Girlfriend.