I've Had A Little Bad, Bad Media

I Tell My Kids, "look, Your Life Is A Video Game, And I Have To Get You From Level Zero To 18 As An Independent Person With All Your Skills And Limbs Intact. Every Time You Hit Your Brother Or Throw Food, You're Taking Us All Back."

It's A War Of Attrition. If You Have Patience And A Modicum Of Faith In Yourself Your Chances Are Not Too Bad.

I Do Find It Odd People Choose To Do Stuff That Makes Them Look Like Crazy Hollywood Faces, But I've Got Zero Judgment.

How Many Times Can You Say, "no Yanking On One Another's Genitals?" Everything Is Hilarious Until Someone Starts Crying.

I Have This Fancy Givenchy Bag. I Don't Know What The Kardashians Have In Their Bags - I Bet They Have Really Expensive Products Or Six Cellphones Or Something. I Have A Cellphone And Some Lipstick For Me, And The Rest Is Just Filled With Stuff For The Kids - Sunscreen And Lip Balm And Little Ziploc Bags Of Pretzels And Cheese Sticks.