I Want To Get A Tattoo Of

I Do Dark [humor]. I Like People Who Are Silly And Weird And People Who Are Surprising And Good At What They Do.

The Best Way To Break Up With A Girl Is Like I'm Taking Off A Band-aid. Slowly And In The Shower.

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

Larry King Is So Old, He's Actually One Of The Jews That Killed Christ.

My Girlfriend Wants An Open Relationship. I Said No Way. What Kind Of Man Would I Be If I Had To Tell My Friends I Date You?