I Was Going To Start Off Tonight

Texas Governor Rick Perry Now Says His Wife Has Been Encouraging Him To Run For President. Remember First He Told Us God Told Him To Run; Now His Wife Is Telling Him To Run. Of Course, The Big Difference; If You Ignore What God Says You Don't Have To Hear About It Until The Afterlife. That's The Only Difference.

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

Senator Kerry Recovering Very Nicely After Having Shoulder Surgery. The Doctors Said The Senator Was Fully Awake, Lucid And Joking After The Surgery Was Done, But Cautioned That That Was Just The Drug. He Went Back To His Boring Self Soon Afterward.

In California, 50 Women Protested The Impending War With Iraq By Lying On The Ground Naked And Spelling Out The Word Peace. Right Idea, Wrong President.

Is It Me Or Is Bush Going Everywhere Kerry Goes? So Far In The Past Week, President Bush Has Followed John Kerry To Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; And He Follows Him To Portland, Oregon. The Only Place He Never Followed John Kerry Was Vietnam.