In An Attempt To Make Things Easier

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

Sometimes You Want To Have A Very Productive Saturday To Feel That You Are In Control Of Your Life, Which Of Course You Are Not.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

You Know Who Does Have A Funny Bone In Her Body? Your Mom Every Night For A Dollar.