My Cousin Had A Baby And I

I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love Putting Out Tv Specials. I'm Not An Actor Though, So I Don't Really Have Much Choice In The Matter.

Things Have Been Invented Because Of Alcohol. Like The Taser, Okay? Yeah! The Morning After Pill, Okay? The Reach-around. Judge Judy. What Has Pot Given The World? Hackey Sack? Yeah! Hilarious Ring Tones? Oh Gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It Sucks To Be A Champion At A Sport That Can't Get You Laid. It's An Unneeded Skill Like, I Dunno, Being The Best Banjo Player. Or A Squirter.

Are You Shooting Webs Of Stupid At Me?

Women Have All The Power Because Women Have All The Vaginas.

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.