She Was So Fat That Her Belly

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

I Was An Ugly Kid; When I Was Born, After The Doctor Cut The Cord, He Hung Himself.