Sometimes I Wonder Does God Just Not

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.