The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Watched, But Then I Remember That My Show Was Canceled Three Years Ago.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.