Welcome To The Academy Awards, Or, As

She Said She Was Approaching Forty, And I Couldn't Help Wondering From What Direction.

If You Watch A Game, It's Fun. If You Play It, It's Recreation. If You Work At It, It's Golf.

A Photographer Kept Shooting Me Every Time I Swung. I Was Very Flattered Until I Found Out He Was From Field And Stream.

I Was There. I Saw Your Sons And Your Husbands, Your Brothers And Your Sweethearts. I Saw How They Worked, Played, Fought, And Lived. I Saw Some Of Them Die. I Saw More Courage, More Good Humor In The Face Of Discomfort, More Love In An Era Of Hate And More Devotion To Duty Than Could Exist Under Tyranny.

I've Never Wanted An Oscar, Although They Are Reassuring To An Actor Who Doesn't Know How Really Great He Is.