Whatever It Is You Want To Do,

You Don't Feel As Self-conscious If Your Clothes Fit.

I Don't Have To Write Jokes. I Don't Have To Write Insults. If You Ask The Man Of The Hour In The Hot Seat, My Mere Existence Is Clearly Insult Enough.

I Had The Lunchbox That Cleared The Cafeteria. I Was Very Unpopular In The Early Grades. Because I Hung Out With My Grandfather, I Started To Bring My Lunchbox With Sardine Sandwiches And Calamari That I Would Eat Off My Fingers Like Rings. I Was Also Always Reeking Of Garlic.

You Know, Food Is Such - It's A Hug For People.

I'm Completely Unqualified For Any Job I've Ever Had.