When I Was Doing Standup, I Always

All Men Hear Is Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Sex, Blah, Blah, Blah, Food, Blah, Blah, Blah, Beer.

Heavy Metal Fans Are Buying Heavy Metal Records, Taking The Records Home, Listening To The Records And Then Blowing Their Heads Off With Shotguns? Where's The Problem? That's An Unemployment Solution Right There, Folks! It's Called Natural Selection.

Kids Are Incredibly Expensive. But It Pays Off Later When They Are Better Educated, Bigger, And Better-looking Than You. And Find You Incessantly Boring And Uncool.

My Biggest Regret In Life Is That I Didn't Hit John Denver In The Mouth While I Has The Chance.

Dustin Hoffman Said This One Time, That If He Hadn't Made It As A Film Star, He Would Still Be Happy As A Character Actor Because He Was A Character Actor Because Of His Face From Day One, So He Would Always Work In The Theater.