Who Am I To Judge Is What

Well, I Call Myself An Actor. I Always Wanted To Be One.

When Someone Says To Me, Do You Do Stand-up I Say Absolutely Not. I Like To Think Of It As A Theatrical Performance. With Me The Show Changes Maybe Five To Ten Percent Every Night. Of Course, Whatever I See In Front Of Me And Sometimes I Get On A Little Run About It And It Changes The Show. And My Delivery Is Such That People Who Have Seen Me Many Times Say Gee, I Never Heard That Before. Actually, They Have, But I Might Have Changed It Around.

I've Got An Accountant Who's Been With Me Forty Years. If He Makes A Mistake, He Dies.

Famous People Are Deceptive. Deep Down, They're Just Regular People. Like Larry King. We've Been Friends For Forty Years. He's One Of The Few Guys I Know Who's Really Famous. One Minute He's Talking To The President On His Cell Phone, And Then The Next Minute He's Saying To Me, Do You Think We Ought To Give The Waiter Another Dollar?

It's Very Sweet To Have People Say Nice Things About You, And I Always Accept That.