You Want To Help Gay Kids, You

We Can Learn To Ignore The Bullshit In The Bible About Gay People. The Same Way We Have Learned To Ignore The Bullshit In The Bible About Shellfish, About Slavery, About Dinner, About Farming, About Menstruation, About Virginity, About Masturbation.

Mother's Day Is A Torment If Your Mother Is Dead. Valentine's Day Is A Torment If You Don't Got One. And At Some Point In Our Lives, We Will Be Tormented By Valentine's Day Even If We're Relatively Lucky In Love.

I Get Letters Every Year From Women Who Think Valentine's Day Is An Empty Exercise, But Are Ironically Pretty Exercised When Their Boyfriends Neglect Or Forget It.

I Wouldn't Say That Holidays Are Manufactured By Corporations, But They're Certainly Exploited And Mined By Them.

Oh, My God. I'd Be A Terrible Doctor. I Don't Like To Touch Other People. There's A Lot Of Gruesome Stuff In My Line Of Work To Feel Or To Admit. I'm Sure Everyone's Expecting Me To Say "proctologist," But Actually No, I Don't Want To Be A Proctologist. Probably Want To Be A Dentist, Because You Don't Have To Touch Much Of The Other Person's Body, Just Their Face Or Mouth.