Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You

I Type A 101 Words A Minute. But It's In My Own Language.

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"

I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out. They Sold Their Soul To The Devil, And The Devil Is Dill.

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

The Next Time I Move I Hope I Get A Real Easy Phone Number, Something Like 2222222. People Will Ask, "mitch, How Do I Get A Hold Of You?" I'll Say, "just Press Two For A While, When I Answer, You'll Know That You've Pressed Two Enough."