Every Time I Get In An Elevator,

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.