I Do What I Can Do When

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

I'm Severely Overrated. I'm Just Above A Hack.

I'll Go Back To Comedy Clubs When They Get A Real No-camera Policy, The Same Way They Did With Smoking.

The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.