I Get A Standing Ovation Just Standing

I'm Very Pleased To Be Here. Let's Face It, At My Age I'm Very Pleased To Be Anywhere.

If You Were Married To Marilyn Monroe, You'd Cheat With Some Ugly Girl.

I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose Too Much Money.

People Ask Me What I'd Most Appreciate Getting For My Eighty-seventh Birthday. I Tell Them, A Paternity Suit.

First You Forget Names, Then You Forget Faces. Next You Forget To Pull Your Zipper Up And Finally, You Forget To Pull It Down.