I Have Three Kids, One Of Each.

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

I Figured Out I'm Bisexual. I Have Sex Twice A Year.

I'll Tell Ya, My Wife And I, We Don't Think Alike. She Donates Money To The Homeless, And I Donate Money To The Topless!

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

I've Never Been Lucky. The Day My Ship Came In, I Was At The Airport.