I Learned About Sex The Hard Way...

Writing Jokes For Others Is Like Having Babies For Someone Else. It's Sad. Like The Woman Who Gives Up Her Baby But Needs To Be Close So She Secretly Becomes The Maid In The Household.

You Don't Appreciate A Lot Of Stuff In School Until You Get Older. Little Things Like Being Spanked Every Day By A Middle-aged Woman: Stuff You Pay Good Money For In Later Life.

I Was Walking Down The Street The Other Day And These Construction Workers Were Working On The Roof Hammering Away. One Of Them Told Me I Was A Paranoid Lunatic... In Morse Code.

The Question Is Absurd: When You Ask, 'if God Is Both All Good And All Powerful, Why Then Does He Allow Suffering?', What You Are Really Asking Is, 'if God Is Both All Good And All Powerful, Why Then Can He Not Make Me (the Questioner) - Who Is Just As Much A Part Of A Universe In Which There Is Suffering As Is Any Other Part - Be At The Same Time The Exact Same Questioner, But One Who Is Now Part And Parcel Of A Universe In Which There Is No Suffering?' Which, Reduced Down, Is The Same Thing As Asking, 'why Can There Not Be, At The Same Time, X And The Preclusion Of X?'

When I Was A Kid My Parents Used To Tell Me, "emo, Don't Go Near The Cellar Door!" One Day When They Were Away, I Went Up To The Cellar Door. And I Pushed It And Walked Through And Saw Strange, Wonderful Things, Things I Had Never Seen Before, Like... Trees. Grass. Flowers. The Sun... That Was Nice... The Sun.