I Masturbate! I Do It Like I

You Know What My Drink Is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, That Is A Wild Man Drink. That Should Come With Bail Money, You Know What I'm Saying? Because On Jack, You Don't Know Where You're Going To End Up, But You Know When You Get There, You Won't Be Wearing Any Pants.

My Cousin Had A Baby And I Was Watching Her Breastfeed For A Couple Of Bucks, And I'll Tell You Ladies: It's Amazing.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

So, I Travel A Lot. I Hate Traveling, Mostly 'cause My Dad Used To Beat Me With A Globe.

This One Guy, The Worst Guy In The Music. The Yanni Man. You Know Yanni? First Of All, Anyone Who Looks Like A Magician And Doesn't Do Magic, I Don't Like. I Don't Even Like Magic, I Hate It. But I Love The Word, "ta-da"! I Love That Word! I Don't Get To Say It, Right? I Never Do Any Magic. You Just Can't Go Around Walking, "ta-da!" "ta-da!" "ta-da!" The Only Time I Can Say It Is When I Do Something Really Stupid Or Surprising. Like If I Go Out All Night Drinking And Hitting Strip Clubs And I Come Home And I Still Got Some Money... "ta-da!" I Thought I Was Broke. Why Does My Jaw Hurt?