I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold

Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled By A Really Weak Guy, All Day. Wearing A Backpack And A Turtleneck Is Like A Weak Midget Trying To Bring You Down.

Every Picture Of You Is When You Were Younger.

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

I Saw Soda Pop For $1.20 A Six Pack. That Price Messes With Your Head. You Start Thinking You're Gonna Sell Soda Pop. Suddenly I've Got Packs Of Pop With Me. "looking To Buy Some Pop? 50 Cents A Can. It's Not Refrigerated Because This Is A Half-assed Commitment!"

When You Start Out In Comedy, Or Probably In A Lot Of Things, You Want It To Happen Fast. You Don't Want To See Yourself Having To Do This For Seven Years Before You Start To Get Some Feedback.