I Tried To Walk Into Target, But

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

My Sister Wendy Has A Husband And Two Children, And They Have A Family Photo On Top Of The Vcr, Where They're All Looking Slightly To The Left. As Though Something Is Going On Over There! I Guess Something Happened Over To The Left That Made Everybody Happy! Except My Sister Is Cross-eyed, So She Can't Quite Pull It Off. One Eye Is Right-on.

Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don't Realize That.

You Know When A Company Wants To Use Letters In Their Phone Number, But Often They'll Use Too Many Letters? "call 1-800-i-really-enjoy-brand-new-carpeting." Too Many Letters, Man, Must I Dial Them All? "hello? Hold On, Man, I'm Only On 'enjoy.' How Did You Know I Was Calling? You're Good, I Can See Why They Hired You!"

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"