I Used To Get Drunk Every Night

What Is Eternity? You're On The Checkout Line At A Supermarket. There Are Seven People In Front Of You. They Are All Old. They All Have Two Carts And Coupons For Every Item. They Are All Paying By Check. None Of Them Have Id. It's The Checkout Girl's First Day On The Job. She Doesn't Speak Any English. Take Away Fifteen Minutes From That, And You Begin To Get An Idea Of What Eternity Is.

I've Always Kind Of Pushed The Envelope In Terms Of Trying To Get Away With Things No One Else Was Going Near. I Always Thought Of Myself Like A Mouse Trying To Get Cheese That No One Else Could Get Without Getting Their Tail Snipped Off.

It's Amazing Where A Joke Might Come From. I Find A Lot Of Humour Just By Metaphorically Turning Things Upside Down Or Literally Like My Wife's Cat.

The Way I Understand It, The Russians Are Sort Of A Combination Of Evil And Incompetence... Sort Of Like The Post Office With Tanks.

You Know What I Hate? Indian Givers... No, I Take That Back.