I Was A Ballerina. I Had To

My Husband And I Are Either Going To Buy A Dog Or Have A Child. We Can't Decide Whether To Ruin Our Carpet Or Ruin Our Lives.

An Amicable Divorce Is Like A Ventilated Condom; It Just Doesn't Work.

A Good Place To Meet A Man Is At The Dry Cleaner. These Men Usually Have Jobs And Bathe.

Going Out To Eat Is Expensive. I Was Out At One Restaurant And They Didn't Have Prices On The Menu. Just Faces With Different Expressions Of Horror.

I Suffer From Peroxide Phobia. Every Time I've Gotten Near A Blond Woman, Something Of Mine Has Disappeared. Jobs, Boyfriends... One Time An Angora Sweater Leaped Right Off My Body.