I Went To A Freak Show And

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

My Wife Has Teeth Like The Stars... They Come Out At Night.

I Was A Poster Child... For Birth Control!

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.