I Wish My Mother Had Left Me

People Invite Me To Dinner Not Because I Can Cook, But Because I Like To Clean Up. I Get Immediate Gratification From Windex. Yes, I Do Windows.

I Think We're Here For Each Other.

It's Almost Impossible To Be Funnier Than The People In Washington.

My Interesting Diet Tips Are Eat Early And Don't Nosh Between Meals. I Mean, I Can Pack It Away.

Have You Noticed That All You Need To Grow Healthy, Vigorous Grass Is A Crack In Your Sidewalk? Having A Baby Is Like Taking Your Lower Lip And Forcing It Over Your Head.