If I Get Big Laughs, I'm A

I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose Too Much Money.

I Should Have Been A Country-western Singer. After All, I'm Older Than Most Western Countries.

My Major Contribution To The Format Was To Suggest That I Be Able To Step Out Of The Plot And Speak Directly To The Audience, And Then Be Able To Go Right Back Into The Action. That Was An Original Idea Of Mine; I Know It Was Because I Originally Stole It From Thornton Wilder's Play Our Town.

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

With The Collapse Of Vaudeville New Talent Has No Place To Stink.