If I Had Been Born Ugly, You

I'm Ok. Much Better Than On Other Occasions. It's True That I've Made Lots Of Mistakes But I've Never Tried To Bother Anyone. I Want To Stay Alive, Preferably In Peace, Without Seeing Every One Of My Mistakes In The Papers, And On Many Occasions, Even Stories That Are Lies.

Football Is A Sad Game.

I Was In For 10 Hours And Had 40 Pints - Beating My Previous Record By 20 Minutes

Me And A Mate Picked Up Two Darling Birds And They Took Us Back To Their Flat. I Went Into The Bedroom With My Bird And She Started Getting Undressed. I Was That Drunk I Was Standing There Wondering How To Get Undressed Without Letting Go Of The Award. I Went To Sit On The Bed, Missed It By Four Feet And Ended Up Lying On The Floor. I Remember The Bird Looking Down At Me, And Saying, ‘some Player Of The Year.’ Then I Fell Asleep. I Woke Up Still Clutching My Award And Staggered Out Of The Flat. I Hadn’t A Bloody Clue Where I Was.

I Never Went Out In The Morning With The Intention Of Getting Drunk. It Just Happened.