Self-pity Is Better Than None.

The Only Parts Left Of My Original Body Are My Elbows.

When I Go To Bed At Night, I've Got So Much Grease On My Body I Wear Snow Chains To Hold Up My Gown.

If Your Husband Wants To Lick The Beaters On The Mixer, Shut Them Off Before You Give Them To Him.

When You Hire A Person To Plan Your Wedding, This Does Not Include Securing The Groom. Plan To Get Married On Friday The 13th. In Years To Come This Will Make It Much Easier To Explain Why Things Turned Out Badly. To Look Beautiful At Your Wedding, Take Time To Plan It. It Took Me A Long Time To Find Two Ugly Bridesmaids And A Frumpy Little Flower Girl.

I Am Descended From A Very Long Line My Mother Once Foolishly Listened To.